Toothless, the College Cat, takes us through a typical day.
5:06am
The blob who feeds me is still reclining horizontally instead of feeding me breakfast. This should be changed. Immediately. I put on my loudest purr and get right up on top of the creature, my face just inches from its breathing apparatus.
5:08am
I find myself having been deposited on the floor beside the squashy platform. How rude! Time to try again.
5:09am
You know, biting the breathing apparatus might get better results? I’m sure that will work, especially if I purr loud enough while doing so…
5:09:30am
Critical mission failure. I’ve been exiled from the feeding-blob’s night-time enclosure. Time to lay on the couch until the creature arises with shiny-sky-thing.
6:30am
Food-blob is awake! All my dreams have come true!!! I could not be more happy! HERE! HERE! HERE! FEED ME! FEED ME! FEED ME!
6:45am
FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD.
6:46am
Ah… so happy. Time to go back to sleep.
Food-blob got me a bed just for myself, but it is too soft and cat-sized. I’ve never used the horrid thing once. The wooden chair in front of the Food-blob’s attention boxes? Perfect.
8:30am
Food-blob is entirely engrossed in the attention boxes and will be for hours. This distracts it from more important things like feeding me and sleeping. I consider it my mission to right that wrong. There is a small hand-held attention box which can be carried around. Food-blob uses it ALL the TIME! But the bigger attention box is in front of the aforementioned chair. Voices sometimes come from it, and there is a clickety-clackety box in front of it. Food-blob seems endlessly fascinated by playing with the clickety-clackety box, but I just can’t see what it sees in it. I’ve tried a couple of times to play with it, and not only does it seem like a very poor play-thing, it also makes Food-blob angry.
Food-blob has now ejected me from my chair. It always does this—I think it likes the warmth. I’ve spent my body heat giving to the chair. The food-blob is always selfish like that, seeking out the warmest position for itself. Once, food-blob moved this chair and brought another one over, but this is my territory. I moved to the new chair.
9:30
Voices are emerging from the attention box. Food-blob cannot let me rest in peace. It comes over, and lifts me up, holding me out to the voices and patterns of the attention box like some sort of sacrificial offering. Quiet rage wells up within me. My revenge will be swift and complete… but… I’m so tired. What about a nap first?
1:30pm
I awake hungry and am sure that Food-blob has abandoned me. I look over to see it is safe, still absorbed by the attention box. It is time to remind the Food-blob that I exist and that it exists to feed me. I get up on the attention box platform and try again at the clickety-clackety box.
Pushed aside.
Time for the charm offensive then.
I put on my best purr, and head butt the Food-blob repeatedly. No one can stand that for long! But it must have its Shield of Protection +2 on. My advanced are rebuffed. I sit as close as possible to Food-blob’s hands, contemplating my options and leaving no opportunity of exerting my presence untaken. Food-blob would not remember its prime directive without my regular intervention and reminder.
3:00pm
Food-blob has changed hats and is now “feather caster”. On a long line, a little set of feathers goes darting back and forth. I cannot help being captivated by the motion. Then, the feral urge arises: I… MUST…. EXTERMINATE THEM! I am lightning, I am the force of the night wind. I am the smoothness and silence of death incarnate. I will kill, destroy, maim, and otherwise demolish all feathered denizens of this mortal plane.
I announce the end of this game by disappearing to void my bowels.
After that, bath time.
3:30pm
Exorcism time! I tear around in circles, running like a bat out of hell through the rooms and up and down the furniture. This drives out the evil spirits from the enclosure and must be performed on a daily basis. Food-blob looks at me like I am crazy, but my constant vigilance is the only thing keeping us alive. It doesn’t even say thank you.
5pm
After hours of tireless vigilance and intervention, the Food-blob has finally decided to perform its duty. FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD!!!!!!
5:05pm
Time for sleep.
7:25pm
I need to go pee. I wander about, looking for a propitious place—if I can just squeeze behind the couch, there is a lovely quiet soft spot… A loud cry of “CAT!” from the Food-blob startles me out of my quest, and I resentfully make my way to that horrid tiled-floor room with the box to do my business instead.
7:30pm
I curl up on the couch, and as usual, the Food-blob is immediately there trying to take my place from me. That one is never happy! When I want the chair in the morning, so does it. When I want the couch at night, so does it. What a copy cat! These creatures can do nothing but imitate their superiors. If only they could be adequately trained…
10:30pm
Food-blob has retreated to the night-time enclosure. I will let it go. For now. A little sleep is good for them, but they should not be left too long uninterrupted, as it makes them grumpy and forgetful of their food providing duties.
